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Yakuza Death Ray
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Conversations
- Hits: 1756
My daughter comes with us, she's unusually quiet and well behaved. Makes a demure and false impressions on strangers.
The Yakuza, he tells me, have a death ray. It's part of a vow of revenge they made against North America for the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. It's in space, based on secret technologies developed by Tesla. They've got it aimed at Yellowstone, 2 death rays, actually. When they give the order the rays will fan out and destroy all life in North America. Depopulate it by 80%. It works by seperating the essential electromagnetic field from the body, killing you instantly. They tested it on 2 villages in Japan. No, he doesn't remember the names of the villages, but he'll send me the links. The Israelis, not such nice guys themselves, have actually intervened 4 times to have us saved. Maybe we won't be so lucky next time. He's just telling me as a heads up....
Order Drinks for 2, Pay for 1
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Jedi Mind Tricks
- Hits: 1847
This Jedi Mind Trick will enamour you to your date, as it will literally halve the amount she spends on drinks for you.
And it's ridiculously simple.
All you do is when you order your favorite diet soda at a restaurant (Fresca's good, but there are others..) hold up 2 fingers. Like Winston is doing. Say "I'd like 1 Fresca please", and the combination of the 2 fingers and words "One Fresca" usually result in the server bringing you 2 Frescas. At this point it's good to offer one to your date.
Image: Winston Churchill ordering 1 diet soft drink.
7/11 - Continued - These are not the droids youre looking for
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Jedi Mind Tricks
- Hits: 2785
7/11 – The first Jedi Mind Trick didn’t work and your going to put your stuff back on the shelf but the clerks won’t let you because maybe you were hungry and the line to pay was so long that you ate the chips while you were waiting and maybe the chips made you thirsty so you drank the drink as well and they keep insisting that you pay so you go to leave and maybe one of them tries to stop you which wouldn’t be a problem for a Jedi like yourself except that there happened to be Stormtroopers parked outside and they came in to help.
What I do in this situation is look down and to the left and start to count things out loud.
No matter what they say to you just keep counting.
Eventually the Stormtroopers will take you outside because you’re making a bit of a scene and it’s OK to resist a bit, like you don’t understand, but don’t resist too much or you might get shot. Don’t reach for your lightsaber because they’ll use their tasers on you. Once they’ve got you outside they’ll probably start asking you all sorts of questions and it’s good to mess with them a bit by continuing to count, maybe to a thousand or so. Then they’ll ask you if you can pay for the chips and you should probably pull out your American Express card – the one that says “Your Name Here”, and if you’re done counting then you can explain to them how you already paid. DO NOT make eye-contact with them, they’re like Gorillas and take it as a sign of aggression. Then they might ask you for ID or a drivers license and I just tell them you don’t need a drivers license to drive a landspeeder, this usually makes them laugh. Once they laugh you’re probably OK. Maybe they’ll drive you around the block a few times and try to take you to your house but if you’re smart you don’t want them to know where you live so you can just answer them with things like “These are not the droids you’re looking for” and eventually they’ll get hungry or get a better call and they’ll just drop you off. ’Course you can’t go back into that store again for probably 2 or three months or until they’ve got different staff…
Interviewing Obama
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- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Dreams
- Hits: 1994
I'm at a fair with other journalists. We're taking turns interviewing Obama. It's my turn, we go into a small tent, there's a couple of security people present. Mostly we just talk about our similar backgrounds, how we got similar degrees, it's a personal chat, no talk of head-of-state or presidency, the unaddressed human rights violations. I've forgotten my camera to get pictures but it's unimportant, we're just catching up, Obama and me....
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