Home
Introducing Beowolf Stormbringer
- Details
- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Miscellany
- Hits: 2851
Note: I first met Beowolf Stormbringer (?!!) about 3 months ago in a 7/11 near my house. He was dressed in a grey robe, with T-shirt and blue jeans underneath, and was engaged in a heated dispute with the clerk over payment for a pack of cheesies he had already eaten. Eventually I offered to pay for the chips and he walked with me home. Leaving the store he ducked under the measuring tape designed to help police identify thieves, "My height is short but my stature is great" he told me. Probably about 5'7", portly, mid 40's, lightsaber hanging on his belt and an orange ring around his lips he professed to be the victim of a bad online date. Somehow or another we met again, and over the course of a few meetings (always at 7/11) I was introduced to his lifestyle. He's a modern day Casanova, living in his parents basement and trolling the internet dating scene. He assures me he has no problem meeting women, and advises me that while it's not really in his religion (Jedi) his mother has strongly suggested that he should really start looking for a place of his own. When I observed that he could always get a job he informed me that he had a "highly successful career" selling time shares on the island of Naboo in Second Life. And that's about as much of an introduction as I can give him.
What do you think Jabba the Hutt and Princess Leia did
- Details
- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Jedi Mind Tricks
- Hits: 1582
Now this is an excellent Jedi mind trick you can do with almost any of your dates. What you do is when you're talking bring up the question of what Jabba the Hutt was doing with Princess Leia before she was rescued. This will naturally get your date thinking of what they were almost certainly doing. The possibilities are very exciting and undoubtedly she'll get very excited thinking about it. And naturally as she can't have Jabba the Hutt she'll make do with the next best thing, in this instance that would be you.
But I already paid for that!
- Details
- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Jedi Mind Tricks
- Hits: 1520
One of my favorite mind tricks I like to play is when I go to pay for something at the store like pop or chips. After the clerk has rung up my purchase I wave my hand in front of his or her face sort-of casual like and say "But I already paid for that". The trick is to say it very calmly and matter-of-factly like you already paid for it. Sometimes they think you did. If they try to say you didn't usually I just return the item to the shelf and leave. Contrary to what you probably believe most Jedi mind tricks only work on smart people and convenience store clerks aren't always that bright.
Morning Cuppa Kopi Lowak, without the coffee
- Details
- Written by: Rod Boyle
- Category: Miscellany
- Hits: 2538
So it's taken a week, but I've finally gotten used to this new coffee. Which is not to say that it's good, or even bearable, rather more that with time you can get used to anything. I've approached it as a challenge, and although I still find that I max out on 2 cups this is probably a good thing. I make them strong cups, or as strong as the brand will allow, in the hopes that I'll finish the can soon and be able to move onto something a little more palatable.
Being a snob I hate to see myself brought down in the world so, and have taken to decieving myself that it's an extraordinary new and fashionable style of coffee, a sort of decaffinated Kopi Lowak. Sadly this only works until I have to taste it, wherein the reality overpowers the illusion.
But on the good side of things I've been working on some slogans to help you better market it. Completely free, not so much for your benefit but more to help other consumers avoid falling into the same trap I did. Here are some of my ideas:
"Everyday Market Brand" - Now truth be told this is the only Everyday Market Brand product I've tried, and rest assured I've been curious to see what you could do to eggs and milk, but, well, enough is enough and there isn't a chance. Not even if you paid me. Still, if all other products in this line are made to double the standards of this coffee the following slogan will probably hold true:"Colonary Excellence" .
It's an award I made up and have given this brand. You sort of emboss a little gold seal in the label somewhere, with that tagline. People will think you've won an award. In a way you have. And if they read the label, as I did, they'll know exactly what you won it for. Many people can't spell or properly sound out words, and this is probably exactly the market you were looking for.
And then there's this: "The fecal brew that's good for you...". Not that it's good for you, but it's probably good in that it'll help you to stop drinking so much coffee. So you can advertise it on health benefits.
Sadly that's about it. There are of course countless adjectives that can help you to endorse this product, and with the advances being made in stem cell research and genetic engineering there is the possibility that they will one day be able to breed an adman who will somehow survive the taste of it and be able to validate my analysis with more extravagant and luscious descriptions. Until then please feel free to make use of my genius.
Page 1045 of 1091